Zack's Prayer
by Scripta Lexicona
Summary: Even though Angeal is gone, Zack still speaks to him.


AN: -_banging head on desk_- Lex-i-cooon! There's other stuff you should be working on instead of starting new stuff!! But this was really short - it popped in my head this morning and I got it written this evening, so I guess I can excuse myself.

I read the phrase in the manga "Jazz", which claims it's a Japanese saying. I don't know if that's true or not but this is what came of it.

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**Zack's Prayer**

Someone once told me, "Marry your second love." I laughed when she said it, partly because I didn't really understand, but mostly because I thought it was ridiculous. Because I had you. I would never _have_ a second love. There would never be anyone after you because we would never be parted. (And I wonder now, sometimes, if she saw something then – people said that she could. But maybe she was just teasing. She did that sometimes, too.)

I guess you could say I was young and optimistic. But that didn't mean I wasn't necessarily realistic. We had a dangerous lifestyle and I knew something could happen, to one of us, to both of us. (I always hoped that if it had to be something, it would have been the two of us.) I never expected, though, never could have even imagined losing you so soon, and losing you the way I did. And again I still thought I'd never love another. There could never be anyone after you.

But there was, there is. And now, even though I still don't really understand it, I think I can see some meaning behind the saying. Because the way I love him is nothing like the way I loved – (_love_) – you. When I was with you, you were my whole world and there was nothing outside of it. I was happy just because you were there and missed you like hell when you weren't. My feelings were fire, light, electricity. Never had I experienced such levels of passion, about _anything_; I couldn't contain myself around you. Everything just erupted anytime I saw your eyes, those deep blue pools always shining with kindness, always shining with love. And you never minded, you always caught me, always held me, wrapped your arms tightly around my body and melded it to yours. You taught me about love, taught me about myself, and all those lessons were learned in your arms.

Maybe that's the difference now. Because now I'm the one holding, wrapping my arms tightly and protectively around a beautiful, strong but fragile body. He is beautiful. I think that may be what first drew me to him. Or at least, what first drew my attention. But I never would have stayed if he wasn't just as beautiful inside (you know I'm not that shallow). He's sweetness, gentleness, pliable but not tractable, reserved but eager. It took time but I couldn't help but come to love him. I don't think anyone could. And I _do_ love him but it's calmer, more steady. If my love for you was like the ocean – tempestuous, wild, untamable – my love for him is like a still, deep lake mirroring the endless sky.

Does that mean one love is better than the other? That one is purer? I just don't have the answers to those kinds of questions and, honestly, I try not to think about it. But sometimes I'll see something, a pale feather dancing in the wind and my breath will catch and my heart will ache and I'll _hope_ even though I know there's no reason to and it feels like a betrayal. And sometimes I'll be holding him in my arms, running my hand through his soft blond hair the way you used to run your hands through mine, and he'll look up at me with those eyes, those eyes so like yours but so different, and I have to pull him close and squeeze my eyes shut to block out the tears because I found someone else and I _love_ him and how could I do that to you?

And worst of all, the thing that really tears my heart into pieces is when I wonder if we would have lasted even if you hadn't been taken away. Could a love that strong, that all-consuming, endure without burning out, without burning us with it? Would we have broken under its power? Perhaps that's what that saying really meant. That first love is too intense to survive, but second love is everlasting. Or maybe it's just a nonsense phrase.

It's just that, at times like this, when I'm holding his limp, unresponsive body in my arms and crying up to the sky, asking you what I should do and feeling so guilty about all of it, that my mind flashes back to that day and what she said. It feels like a curse now. Maybe I wasn't destined to be able to hold on to _anyone_, regardless of whether he was my first or second.

I'm trying to be brave, trying to be strong for the one with me right now but I'm afraid, not really for myself but that I might have to leave him, the way you left me. And he's so weak right now, he needs someone to look after him, keep him safe. I want to be that person for him. But I think the choice has been taken out of my hands.

Will I find you again when I join the Lifestream? Will you welcome me with open arms? I think you will. I think you'll have forgiven me my new love (even if that's not something I need to be forgiven for). I do hope I find you again even as I hope I never have to leave him.

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Originally written 19 Jul '08


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